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QPR Tony Incenzo

FOUR DRINKS by Tony Incenzo


ONE of my most bizarre experiences came on a reporting trip to Iceland in 1984 where I was covering UEFA Cup action between the local KR Reykjavik team and Queens Park Rangers

After the match, all the QPR fans went to a top nightclub. It would have been rude of me not to join the party.

They were selling some local brew from an unmarked bottle behind the bar which was simply known as ‘Pure Alcohol’. I’ll never forget how one guy from London knocked his glass over and it started sizzling and stripping the varnish off the table. So people were getting drunk very quickly.

Now the club was full of really stunning Icelandic women. Tall, blonde, slim, blue-eyed beauties cavorting on the dancefloor. But the guys from London were having absolutely no luck in chatting them up.

The ladies seemed rather aloof. They certainly didn’t like the English chat up lines, some of which certainly got totally lost in translation...

“Yeah darling, we went on a tour of your natural spas and geysers today. But I wasn’t impressed because I know loads of geezers back home in London...”

Anyway, as one of the few sober people in the room, I was asked by the QPR supporters to find out what was needed to pull a bird in Reykjavik. So I approached an Icelandic guy at the bar to request his help.

“Excuse me,” I said. “I’m with this group from London. The lads are very interested in talking to your local women but they’re having no joy. Can you tell me what the problem is please?”

“Aha,” he said. “I have been observing your colleagues and they are being far too direct with the ladies. In my country, it is traditional to show respect and take your time when talking to a woman in a nightclub.”

“So what do you recommend?”

“You have to take an interest in her. Ask about her home life and her hobbies. Ask about her job. Ask about her family background. And if eventually she agrees to have a drink with you in the nightclub, then that means that she quite likes you.”

“A drink...”

“But you must keep the conversation going. Remain very charming. Ask her what she likes doing in her spare time. Ask about her ambitions. Ask if she has any pets. And if the lady eventually agrees to have a second drink with you, then she does indeed like you.”

“A second drink...”

“But you must keep the dialogue flowing. Continue to take an interest. Ask what sort of music she likes. Ask what makes her laugh. Ask what films she likes. And if she eventually agrees to have a third drink with you, then she’s almost yours.”

“A third drink...”

“But you mustn’t rest on your laurels. This is the important bit. Ask her if she likes travelling. Ask her where she sees herself in ten years’ time. Ask what she looks for in a man. And if the lady finally agrees to have a fourth drink with you, then she is going to spend the night with you.”

“A fourth drink…”

“Yes.”

“Wow, that’s incredible. I’ve never heard anything like that before. Thank you so much for your help.”

“That’s ok. Now don’t forget that the fourth drink will be your milestone. Your yardstick. It is the guarantee in Iceland that the lady wants to go back to your hotel room.”

So armed with this information, I went back over to the QPR supporters who were staggering around drunk next to the dancefloor. They crowded about me in a football-style huddle and I explained the whole Icelandic pulling ritual in detail.

I said: “Right lads, this is the situation with the women here. You have to talk to them, take an interest...talk, talk, talk...ONE DRINK, she quite likes you...talk, talk, talk...TWO DRINKS, she does like you...talk, talk, talk...THREE DRINKS, she’s almost yours...talk, talk, talk, talk, talk...FOUR DRINKS, she’s going to spend the night with you...Guaranteed…”

The London guys listened intently, making a mental note of what was required in the pulling stakes. Then all of a sudden, the biggest, fattest lager lout in the group launched himself forward.

He had a huge beer belly, shaven head, tattoos all up his arms, three earrings and bulging bulldog eyes. And he approached the most attractive woman in the room.

And he said: “Excuse me? Excuse me darling? Would you like four drinks?”

Follow Tony Incenzo on Twitter @TonyIncenzo


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